jc2009's Blog

 Last Thursday I had an appointment with the psychologist and after we talk he recommend me to go to a partial hospitalization program.  I told him that the last time I attended one I ended up worse than when I entered.  I explain him my reasons and he assure me that this time it was not going to be like that.  In the end I accepted and I will begin next Monday.  I am kind of anxious about it because I don't know how I will react this time.  I am growing impatient I need my concentration back I can't think straight at work I get all messed up by the slightest sign of stress or disapproval from my superiors I feel burn out. Sometimes I feel that everything is falling apart around me. 

 I thought that I was going to be able to focus without problem but until now nothing have improved.  Perhaps my expectations are too high and I have to think that is a drug not a miracle.  The only difference in behavior that I am aware of is that I am more talkative but that is not the result that I am looking for.  I am still easily distracted and as I said before I have no ability to focus.

I have notice some side effects since I start it taking it.  My heartbeat is not normal, I feel like I am about  to explode like a balloon but is not exactly anxiety I can't really pinpoint what it is I have never felt like that before. The first day I had strange thoughts even about suicide and after the effects wear off I got a splitting headache. Those side effects diminish the following days but still without achieving the intended result.

 I feel anxious and I just want to stay at bed all day tomorrow. I worked all day today and I felt more the less okay but once I got home I feel like I don't want to do anything.  I know that having one job in this economy is a blessing let alone three like I have. 

Is it worth it? Expending most of your time working so you can have a good standard of living and keep your mind busy.  At the same time I don't want to think or work.  That is the contradiction because I need and I usually want to work but at the same time I don't want to do anything, nothing, nada, zero.

 It has been a while since I last wrote here.  My life is back to "normal" my mood swings are mostly at bay but I am getting more anxious.  The reason money, what else could cause it if not that?  The root of all evil but at the same time there is no life without it.   Actually I don't have a life because my increasing appetite for it. 

Things at the office have improved but I still feel that I am dragging my feet when it comes to get the job done.  I hate it now but it wasn't always like that.  There was a time when I loved my job and I felt proud of it.  Now it is pointless and has become a dead end for me.  Still I was afraid of losing it a while ago only because without it I would have lost everything. 

When I get out of the office and I go to one of my other jobs I feel even worse I feel like I m going to lose my job at any moment it has become as bad as working at The-Retailer-That-Must-Not-Be Named.  I guess even worse than that.  When I go to my other second job, actually my third job I feel great I am treated nicely and I feel right at home. The thing is that even there I feel the emptiness, numbness and sadness that I usually feel at my other jobs and sometimes when I am at home. 

 That is right I am still depressed but the meds help me cope with it but sometimes they don’t and I feel like crap. It has been almost a year so I don’t expect a miracle but sometimes I grow impatient  and I want get that thing out of my mind now. No more to say, my writing is becoming more incoherent than usual.

 12:30 AM and still awake and standing on the edge of the abyss.   The worst part of it is that I do not know when I am going to slip and fall.   In my entire life my fate has not been as out of my hands as it is now.  I do not even know if I will still have a job a month from now.  Losing everything is a real possibility the only thing that is left to be decide is when.  Will I receive the so called "pink slip" or be spared of that doom?

There was I time when I thought that everything was going to get better that the meds were working and that I was going to get well.  Now I feel as I said before right on the edge where a little push will send me back into the dark pit where I was just a few months earlier.  

 It has been more than three weeks since I last wrote here.  A lot had happen since then, I became an uncle at last, I turned 39 the other day and I may lose my job in the next couple of weeks.  What a birthday present, the uncertainty and fear. I have never been unemployed before.  Then there are the financial obligations, the mortgage the car loan, credit card, etc.

Not even in my worst case scenarios I imagine a nightmare like this.  I feel powerless there is no where else to go or to do but to wait and hope for the best.  It took me almost 20 years to get where I am now and to lose everything in a wink of an eye is frustrating.  

 An uneventful week ends today.  Tomorrow my life will change forever I will become an Uncle for the first time. I am really happy and at least our name will live on for another generation.  For good or for ill our name will not go beyond that for it is my sister who is going to give birth and even when she is giving birth to a male our name will not pass to his sons and will die with him.  I am the only male of the three children our parents had.  I have to say that to this day I am not planning to have any children of my own.  I would be a terrible father I will overprotect them so much that I will do more harm than good so I will stay childless.

 More than two weeks since my last incident and even though I am still kind of unmotivated at work I feel better now than six months ago.  I have to admit that I have been feeling tired the last couple of days and as I said before my motivation is still low.  I have no option but to continue to work, there is no rest for me at least for the next five years if I can stand it.

19 years since I left for basic training.  I was so young and naive I thought that I was going to expend the next 20 years in the ARMY.  I were there for only four months two of those as a patient at the fourth floor of Martin Army Community Hospital.  Those 19 years has taken its toll on me so I no longer have the strength to go through Basic again and that impossibility comforts me.  Nevertheless I wish I could go back in time and fix all that I did wrong.

 I will have to wear a T-shirt with that write it on it.  Everytime I get into an argument I get more and more irrational and with the sole purpose of inflicting as much pain as possible on the person that dare to get in an argument with me.  Until now it has only been with my partner but it can be with anyone and I don't want to get into a fight or something worse but I just can't control it.  It is pure anger and once it take hold it does not release you until the damage is done.  Medication helps but do I have to be taking it for the rest of my life.  Invega is working but am not sure how long the actual dosage will hold the monster at bay.